


No More Heroes 3: The Final Run

by Milo_F_Waters



Category: No More Heroes (Video Games)
Genre: Assassination, Blood and Violence, Explicit Language, Humor, Innuendo, Mutilation, Sarcasm, Sexual Content, Unofficial Sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2018-10-06 21:21:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10344804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milo_F_Waters/pseuds/Milo_F_Waters
Summary: Five years after the events of Desperate Struggle, Santa Destroy is threatening to secede from the United States. Faced with a complete anarchy overrun with killers on the fringe of a revolution, the government secretly forms the Anti-Assassin Union (AAU) made up of former top-ranking killer Travis Touchdown, his brother Henry Cooldown, former UAA organizer-turned hacker Silvia Christel and reformed assassins Shinobu and Kimmy Howell. After years of trying to pursue normal lives and to atone for their bloodshed, these five murderers must return to their old hometown to defeat the 20 assassins threatening the rest of the nation and finally put an end to this insanity.





	1. The Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is about as far from a Steven Universe fanfic as it gets. Note that this is not an official sequel, this is just the work of an overexcited fanboy with a bit too much time on his hands... with that said, enjoy!

Hello there. If you’ve clicked on this fanfiction, you’re probably curious how some whack job knows the plot to the new No More Heroes video game coming in a year or two.

The truth is: I don’t. 

I’m just another fanboy who played both these games, liked all the insane carnage, went EEEEEE!!! at the sound of a new game coming out and got to brainstorming what would I do if I were to create the third installment to this soon-to-be trilogy? Well, no duh, that’s what I’m here to do. 

I’m the narrator of this work. Pleased to meet you! Make yourself comfortable, go ahead and pull up your favorite seat, some comfy pants and a cocktail. I’ll be your guide through all this madness as you delve into the depths of one nerd’s delusions as he plays amateur game-designer. 

So, where to begin… how about, say, five years after the last game’s ending? That sounds about right.  
The old remnants of the UAA have all put away their weapons, fed up with lives as assassins and moved on to different professions. All of them had seen the error of their ways and wanted to do away with the bloodshed and battles. Believe it or not, it was the main otaku himself Travis Touchdown that started this trend. 

After his triumph over top-ranked assassin Jasper Batt Jr., Travis eventually reunited with his former flame Sylvia Christel and fled the chaotic town of Santa Destroy for a new life away from the land where they spilt so much blood. They moved to a townhouse in Wyoming, paid for with the last of the money accumulated from the now-defunct UAA and started a new business together… a porn site!

Travis, who has spent years “studying” the subject, decided to enlist his critical eye for the female body into Mr.Touchdown.com - the fastest-growing stop for both pornography and hentai on the Internet. 

While Travis collected talent, both real and animated, Sylvia used her old skills to set up the website and keep out any viruses making them one of the most-recommended sites in just a few years. On top of that, Sylvia also took up hacking on the side since she still refused to get a job that involved physical labor.

Yes, this means the two ended up as a couple. (Congratulations readers, you witnessed my first official shipping!) With a stable job, Sylvia didn’t have to run off to organize fights or pull off cons which relieved them both. It had taken them everything they had to abandon their old careers and, much to everyone’s shock, they were great for one another.  
To Travis, Sylvia was the one woman whose body was off-limits to any other man and Sylvia cherished the one person who showed her such attention and concern considering she had been lowered to working at a peep show when they reunited. Although their relationship was a tad unorthodox with his obsession with all things anime and wrestling paired with her prolonged fixation on gaining designer accessories by rewiring unprotected accounts, they somehow found a version of paradise for themselves.

They were the last to receive the call back to action.

It was a Wednesday and Travis had just returned from grocery shopping to find Sylvia painting her own nails in nothing in her panties and a bra.

“Do I even want to know?” said Travis, his eyes unable to look away from her perfect figure.

“What? It was hot in here and you know how expensive the electric bill is…” she replied in her articulate French accent, a touch of mischief in her voice.

“Well… you do make a good point,” he said as he removed his trademarked red jacket and Bizarre Jelly graphic-tee.

“There’s one thing I’ll never understand about you… why do you stay?” she asked tentatively “Why aren’t you bored of me yet? You’ve laid eyes on literally hundreds of other women… and all I used to do was tease and threaten you.”

“What can I say, we’re both kind of nuts. Besides, I already abandoned you twice before. This time, I plan on sticking around.” Whatever else was on his mind was lost as they embraced in a kiss, but before the age rating of this fanfiction could be jacked up even further the phone rang.

“Are you shitting me?” Travis grumbled as he dressed himself again to answer leaving Sylvia to sigh in frustration and dry her manicure until she heard how irate her boyfriend was getting.

“I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number. Don’t EVER call this house again” he said before slamming the receiver.

“Travis, who was it? That didn’t sound like another parent complaining about his ne’er do well son’s online habits.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Okay then… so where were we?” she asked unclasping her brassiere.

Before he could deliver another meme-worthy line, the phone sounded again. Without a word, Travis returned to the kitchen only to find the same number on the other end.  
“Listen, you fucking idiot, I’m not in that business anymore and nothing you say is going to change that.”

…

“What?! You want me to go THERE?! Over my dead body, you prick!”

…

“Huh?! You’re serious?”

…

“Fine. But don’t expect to have a smile on my face when I get there, asshole.”

After nearly breaking their home phone, Travis bypassed the half-naked Sylvia and headed upstairs to retrieve something from his bedroom. He descended the staircase with a full suitcase in one hand, Sylvia’s in another and a familiar object in the pocket of his jeans: his beam katana Blood Berry. Seeing his old sword on him for the first time in years, Sylvia’s eyes widened and hands shook as she regained her clothes. 

“Travis, why do you still have that? Where are we going? Who was that on the phone?” she asked hastily

“Sylvia, we're going to the Garden of Madness.”

She gasped at this sound… the name they had given to the one place they agreed to never mention again. In just seconds, Sylvia rushed to their bedroom with her luggage to pack all her necessities and prepare for the long drive back to Santa Destroy.

Five hours of vexatious silence passed as the couple rode on Travis’ motorcycle-turned convertible (Hey, they needed something for longer scouting trips and the occasional vacation) through fields, mountains and plains until they came down the exit ramp off the highway back on Santa Destroy, California. The humid air still smelled of blue funk that could have been either the toxic water off the coast or the prolonged sense of hopelessness that seemed blended with this town’s atmosphere. The caller had demanded they tell absolutely no one where they were going and to arrive behind the apartment complex near the beach. Bringing the car to a stop, the two retrieved their belongings and realized how the shanty town had become even worse: multiple buildings were boarded up, scorch marks and bloodstains were infesting the sidewalks and the only people they observed roamed in packs with a gaze that looked through them.

“My god, what happened to this place?” said Travis.

“Good question. This town was always a dump, but never this much of a cesspool. Even all the Pizza Batt restaurants seem closed.”

“What the…?! What are you two doing here?” said a man with a familiar Irish accent. With equal surprise, the pair turned to find a well-dressed man with a bowl haircut, a tinted purple suit in impeccable condition, a small rolling bag filled with more well-pressed clothes held in one hand, and a beam katana clipped to his belt.

“Henry?!” exclaimed Travis “What the flying fuck are you doing here?!”

“I could ask you both the exact same thing, although judging from your trunks I have a hunch it’s not for one of her shopping sprees.”

“Nice to see you too, Henry,” said Sylvia with a slight sneer on her face.

“So, where you two called here by some blustery chap over the phone?” asked Henry.

“Yep. Looks like someone called for a family reunion, but why bring us to this shit-stain of a town?”

The conversation was soon interrupted, though, when Travis spotted two more faces from the past coming into view between the buildings each one with a knapsack slung over their shoulders. On the left was a white-haired girl still sporting a spiky coif that set off her dark skin, all-black attire and katana. On the right was a freckled blonde still garbed in plaid with her old flute concealing a beam bo-staff in her grasp. With one look, the girls instantly recognized Travis and ran over to him.

“Travis, what are you doing here?” asked Shinobu on his left.

“It’s been since I last saw you Travis… how have you been?” inquired Kimmy Howell on his right.

“Well, isn’t this funny running into you to here… we were all called here by some asshole threatening to arrest us unless we came here” answered Travis.

“You all too? I was just sitting in class when my cell phone went berserk with calls,” said Kimmy.

“That’s pretty much how it went for me. I was just doing some training at a dojo when the telephone was being clogged by some federal jackass,” added Shinobu.

“Miss Shinobu, I’d highly appreciate you quell your profanity in my presence,” said a new voice that had just come in behind them: a man somewhere in his mid-twenties in an all-black suit. Despite him being in a wheelchair, he seemed to tower all of them with a natural sense of authority.

“And for your information, I am the one who requested you all come here. I am agent Van Carson, FBI. I will explain more once we reach my base of operations here in this… town,” he said with utter disgust. He gestured to the large stretch limousine behind him for Henry, Shinobu and Kimmy to travel in with his associates bringing their belongings. Without much choice, Travis and Sylvia followed behind them.


	2. The AAU

So you made it past the first chapter? All that exposition didn’t bore you to death? At least it’s nice to know that the audience isn’t fleeing if there isn’t constant violence or decapitation. Trust me that will come later.

Now where was I? Oh right, more exposition!

The five former assassins were riding through the streets of Santa Destroy, Travis and Sylvia now totally perplexed at why this agent had brought them along with all of their former assassins to this forsaken place. Things weren’t much clearer for the other three in the limo as each of them was plucked out of daily life for some “mission” given by an agent who was as personable as a loan shark staring down a bankrupt client.

The buildings whizzed by in a blur until Travis saw the vehicle ahead of them pull into an all-too-familiar place: the No More Heroes Motel where he lived for years. The town flag was the only thing familiar about it though: all of the signs were removed, a gate had been erected by the entrance which was open only for them and the whole place had been repainted a stark black. 

The gate clanked shut once they pulled in and all of them filed out of their respective vehicles while more dark-suited agents collected their items. Strangely though, all of them were required to keep their weapons on hand according to one agent. Even Sylvia was forced to hold on to the pistol concealed in her old trench coat. Agent Van Carson finally rolled out of the front of the limousine after an eternity and faced the killers with his same chilling glare “Everyone inside. It’s time you were briefed on you mission. Please enter through the lower level.” In only a second, he turned his mechanized wheelchair around with a joystick and rolled towards the only remaining door on the lower level.

Once inside, Travis gaped at what had become of the motel. What was once a series of identical rooms had all been combined into one space filled with stacks of paper, computer monitors lining the walls and barely an inch that wasn’t filled with Carson’s underlings taking calls or typing on laptops.

“Impressive. Where do you keep all the spy gadgets?” Travis asked

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Your sarcasm is simply biting. Now, if you are through with the buffoonery, I will inform you of why you’re here” responded Agent Carson

“You do realize all of us are armed and can and will attack you, right?” implored Shinobu

“She’s right. Cut the lollygagging and start explaining yourself” added Henry

“Yeah like why on Earth you expect us to comply with whatever bullcrap assignment you have planned for us?” asked Kimmy

“Fair point, Miss Howell. The reason for your assumed compliance is that we have enough murder charges on all of you to have you detained in a maximum security penitentiary for the rest of your natural lives and several more lifespans thereafter. Is that enough explanation for you?”

“Yes, sir” replied a now pale Kimmy

“Now as for your ‘bullcrap assignment’ as one of you put it, the FBI is in need of your assassination skills.”

“Woah, woah, woah. Back the truck the up, Mr. Man in Black. I don’t know about these guys, but my girlfriend and I gave up that business years ago. So you can just quit the red tape and let us go home” said an irate Travis

“I’m with my brother on this one. My days as an assassin are behind me. I have a home in New York, a functioning business and a clean police record. The worst I’ve done since then is pull some strings to import Irish whiskey for my bar” said Henry

“That goes for me too. My katana hasn’t done anything except collect dust for years now. Once I heard Travis was out, I went out with him” said Shinobu

“I’ve been rededicating myself to my education. Instead of slicing heads, I’ve been flying through exams to get my degree in architecture so I can build homes instead of piles of bodies. And I have Travis to thank for that” exclaimed Kimmy

“Damn. Who would have thought I would’ve been a role model?”

“Yes, given your habits that is quite unlikely. Nevertheless, your unique specialties are required in order to avert a national crisis” remarked Carson

“So let’s assume we adhere to your regulations. Why can’t you send other agents or the military for this?” asked Sylvia

“Because this is an extremely classified mission that threatens the entire nation… the honest truth is that Santa Destroy is trying to secede from the United States of America. While we receive ludicrous demands regularly, the more pressing issue is the number of murders occurring in neighboring cities. Just a few days ago, we found a small neighborhood slaughtered by some of the wannabe assassins we have been sent to take out.”

“Okay, that sucks but that still doesn’t answer why WE have to be the ones to clean up this shit” Travis pointed out

“We cannot take larger action since we are doing everything in our power to keep this out of the public eye. It was enough of a public relations nightmare to keep your little Mecha-battle seven years ago quiet Mr. Touchdown. Before no one heard of Santa Destroy and the dirty little secrets here were kept quiet. Once you left and this United Assassins Association collapsed thanks to you and Miss Christel leaving town, the killers remaining here were no longer content with just this city. They wish to live in a total anarchy and any resistance we have tried to send, be it common soldiers or elite agents, have all been killed.”

“Well there’s plot convenience for ya” shrugged Henry “So what makes you think we’ve got a chance against a bunch of guerillas that can wipe out the likes of the US military?”

“It is very simple, Mister Cooldown: You all were once assassins yourselves. You know how these demented souls work. With your prowess, we hope that together the five of you can assassinate all 20 of our targets before this insanity leaks into the rest of the country and we have a revolution on our hands. Not to mention the millions of casualties this could result in if left unchecked.”

“And what’s in it for us if we dirty our hands with more killing? If you know so much about us, you know the price will not be cheap. Especially mine” said Sylvia

“Well, we could start by lifting all murder charges that five of you have accumulated in the past.”

“And?”

“…I suppose we could offer financial compensation in addition to your pardons. Plus we would cover all of your expenses while you stayed here.”

“Sounds like a fair deal to me.”

“Hold on a second, Sylvia. There’s one more thing you need to promise, Mr. Agent” said Travis

“And what would that be Mr. Touchdown?”

“That after we do your dirty work, you stay out of our lives. This is the last time we do this. I don’t care if the studio demands another sequel, this shit ends here.”

“Mr. Touchdown, you have yourself a deal so long as you curb your silver tongue.”

“Fine. So who are we after first?”

“Unfortunately we have yet to locate our targets. We have ranked the 20 assassins in order of threat level and, much to my own chagrin, they are proving far more elusive than my department can imagine.”

“Some organization you are. What are we supposed to do then? Travis’ anime collection gets old really fast” quipped Shinobu

“Hey!”

“The upstairs rooms have been made into dorms for the five of you. You can start by making yourselves at home and then maybe some training? I may not have much experience with wielding one of your unorthodox weapons, but I imagine all of you must be somewhat out of practice. While you do that, the rest of the AAU will search for your first target.”

“AAU?” asked Sylvia

“The Anti-Assassins Union. You did not think a governmental body would lack a distinct acronym, did you Miss Christel?”

“Not a bad name. As long as Travis doesn’t force us to do victory poses, I’m fine with it” added Henry

“What is with all the anime bashing today? What did moe ever do to you?”

“Travis, they have a point. Our entire basement is filled with your anime tapes and figurines after all” admitted Sylvia

As Travis grumbled at the thought of his collection at home gathering dust, he and the others were relieved to know their objective at long last. Each one proceeded outside, collected their belongings and selected a room where they could wrap their heads around the thought of re-entering the assassination business. Twenty killers was more than they ever had to face before, but if they were going to put an end to this madness, there was no other choice. It was only a matter of time before the members of the AAU would be called to action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is the first ranking battle! Stay tuned!


	3. Rank 20 - Hair Metal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my idea for a new mechanic for this game is playing as multiple characters each level and being able to switch between them to fight effectively or react to the AI's moves. This is how most if not all of the boss fights will play out here. 
> 
> Also, this is where the gory parts are coming. You have been warned.

To anyone who has listened to a solid two chapters of my driveling, I salute you. Even I was getting exhausted with all this plot and I’m the freaking narrator! So put away your two-pound steak cooked to a perfect rare because now we’re getting to the blood!

Three days passed after the old gang of assassins arrived in Santa Destroy intent on clearing their mission as soon as possible. Travis and Henry spent their time sparring together, eagerly anticipating on finishing their battle from almost a decade ago. Sylvia, disgruntled at the thought of entering the front lines, was practicing her marksmanship down by the beach. At the very least she appreciated the new pair of specialized handguns that fired energy bullets the AAU provided for her. Shinobu and Kimmy were training together to learn each other's fighting styles. They had grown closer over time but each sneaked a peak at Travis despite his open commitment to Sylvia.

After a long few days with little progress, Travis was interrupted in re-watching his wrestling tapes by Agent Van.

“When you are done with your gratification, Mister Touchdown, I would like you to gather the others for a meeting downstairs.”

“Sure thing. And for your information, this is studying. I need to refresh myself of all the suplexes I need for a hit.”

“As you say” said Carson doubtfully

Once his studies were complete, Travis rounded up the others for a briefing in the main room below.

“So, who are we up against first?” asked Kimmy

“Miss Howell, I am afraid we cannot tell you that” responded Carson

“Why not? Knowing our opponent gives us the upper hand since we can plan ahead. You don’t need a general to figure that one out” added Shinobu

“You make a fair point Miss Shinobu, but you are not authorized by my superiors to be privy to that information.”

“Well, that’s just fucking great. So, not only have you torn us all away from our businesses and lives but now you are treating us like children. How do you sleep at night, Mr. Carson?” bit Sylvia

“I can assure you I sleep more comfortably than you, Miss Christel considering you did not retire until around 4 A.M. last night.”

“How do you know that, you degenerate?”

“Because we have you all under constant surveillance. Take no offense to this, Miss Christel, it is merely a precaution to ensure that nothing interferes with your mission.”

“Yeah because you watching me jerk off is REALLY going to enhance this mission, eh Carson? Unless you’re in to that sort of thing?”

At this statement, the stalwart official could only groan in disgust with the footage he witnessed while the assassins all burst into laughter at his obvious misfortune. Even some of his grunts snuck in a sly smile at their boss’ discomfort. 

“Now if you are done making quips at my expense, we will inform you of where your first opponent is currently located. We have tracked him to an abandoned factory on the north end of town. Travis and Sylvia, you two will tackle this mission while the rest of you remain here.”

“Why just them? No offense to either of ya, but why not send all of us so that this fellow has less chance of survival?” challenged Henry

“We have assessed that these two will be the most efficient against the twentieth-ranked assassin. Besides we may have some other jobs for three of you to tackle in the meantime.”

“I suppose you needed a new gameplay mechanic… alright. But if my brother comes back without his head, I’m charging you with the funeral.”

“Don’t worry Henry. I’ll be back to kick your ass in a swordfight in no time. And Carson, if you get those urges again, just stick to the web. I know a great website you can use…” said Travis with his usual smirk as he and Sylvia walked outside to their car with a copy of the coordinates in Sylvia’s coat pocket leaving the other three to return to their dorms while Van Carson resisted the urge to kick Travis in his cocksure privates.

It was a brief drive through the more barren streets of Santa Destroy’s industrial district until they arrived, parked outside and felt a sense of calm dread settle over them as they approached the three-story brick plant.

“Feeling nervous yet? Got a cramp in your stomach? Wanna apply some fresh lip gloss?” asked Travis playfully

“Very funny. I just can’t believe I sent you kill like this so many times… not once did I imagine I would join you personally. I won’t lie though, a small fragment of me misses the old days.”

“Thank god! I thought you would kick in the nuts if I told you I was a little excited for this.”

“Remember this is only temporary. This will be one last bloodbath to contain our inner nature.”

“Whatever you say, princess” he said before opening the factory door.

The hinges squeaked open and inside was just what you’d imagine an abandoned factory to look like: rusted machinery and dust coating every surface. The only thing out of the ordinary were the thugs inside waiting for them dressed in ratty clothes wielding sledgehammers, crowbars or a plain steel sword. As if by reflex, Travis brought out his fully-charged Blood Berry and with a press of a button, the weapon hummed and glowed to life. Sylvia pulled out her new twin beam-pistols Marie and Victoria that the AAU provided her. While looking like discarded handgun grips at first, a push of the trigger caused a barrel of light to spring forward. 

Second passed before the assassins ran in opposite directions - Travis to the right where he began slashing away at his opponents while Sylvia dashed left while firing on the gunman on her side of the field. As she weaved in between bullets and bringing the first down with a line of bullets straight to the skull, his head erupting in a geyser of blood while his body followed suit, she felt a rush that she never got from watching from the sidelines.

As for Travis, he was immediately back in his old groove as if he never left the killing business as he overpowered each person who clashed swords with him, ducking under stray shots from the armed assailants and wasted no time creating masses of bodies oozing blood that quickly dissipated into a murky red cloud as if phasing straight through the ground to Hell. In only five minutes, the roughly twenty goons in the room were only a distant memory. The door to the next room opened and Travis only glanced at his beloved to check for scars before charging in for another round.

In only half an hour the two had passed the gauntlet of enemies. They had reached the top floor of the factory where the manager’s offices were located and Agent Carson said the lowest-ranked assassin was holed up. Relishing the moments of quiet, the two walked holding hands as they approached the end of the line.

“So how does it feel to finally get your manicured hand dirty?” asked Travis

“Strange. You’d think I would have one speck of blood on me, but my clothes are still untouched.”

“You too? I thought it was weird that it kept happening to me. Well, the nuthole we’re after is just through that door. Any guesses who it is?”

“If there was one thing I learned in all my years in the conning business, it’s that people can be beyond comprehension. There are some freaks you can never understand. I’m just glad I finally met one who treated me right.”

“Wow. That’s some compliment coming from you. And to think for so long you saw me as just a pawn.”

“You saw me as just a sex object. What’s the difference?”

“The fact that we’ve actually done it?” he smirked

“Keep that shit up and I’ll blow your head off!” she yelled

“Watch your mouth or I’ll slice your bitch body in two!” he yelled back before they both fell into a fit of laughter

“Just like old times” sighed Travis. “Well, let’s get to the real stuff” he finished as they opened the door at the end of the hall where the executive lounge was.

What was once a calm lounge had been converted into an alter to rock n’ roll from the ceiling literally dripping with vintage posters to the dozens of guitars littered on the floors and walls. Despite the smell of mildew in the room and the layers of dust on everything non-musical, the collectibles were all pristine. As Travis and Sylvia entered, they walked in on their first opponent jamming out on an electric guitar without a care in the world in front of a makeshift stage composing of a curtain with the name “Hair Metal” emblazoned behind him, stacks of amps blaring sound and lights covered with sheets of office paper to give color. For a few minutes, the two were stunned by the volume of his music to react until his solo ended and he finally caught sight of them.

“Well look at this, a private audience. I don’t suppose your hear for an autograph?” asked the rock fanatic with a heavy British accent

As he stepped away from his stage, his massive head of purple and black hair was shown to reach down to the small of his back, his arms were covered in tattoos like sleeves of white tigers, scenes of slaughter, guns stuffed with roses and kiss marks. 

“Nope, but your jams are pretty solid. We’re here for a fight” replied Travis

“Really? I was told someone would be coming for that. You wouldn’t happen to be Travis Touchdown?” 

“That’s right. I see my reputation still precedes me.”

“Oh I bet it does, you fucking arse. You’re the one who killed Death Metal?”

“Well, aren’t you a well-read little street urchin” said Sylvia as she reignited Marie and Victoria “Yes, Death Metal was his first kill. And now you’ll get to join him.”

“My uncle was a noble professional. You two are just some flukes who are all piss and wind. I’ll take back the title of Holy Sword… by cutting you to ribbons!”

“Get ready for your last song, big shot!” retorted Travis as he brought out Blood Berry. Hair Metal didn’t waste any time either as he flipped his guitar around to hold by its neck as a chainsaw blade suddenly emerged from the bottom.

As his literal shredding guitar roared to life, the assassins sprang into action with Travis taking the offensive charging Hair Metal with his trusty sword but the musical executioner blocked every strike with his instrument in one hand just like his uncle.

Staying behind, Sylvia began observing his attack patterns to find a weak spot. As Hair Metal brought down his axe, Sylvia shot a stream bullets at his arm throwing his attack off and allowing Travis to get a few swings in before he regained his composure.

Hair Metal began charging after Sylvia with Travis in hot pursuit around the room. He swung towards her bare legs and managed to knock her to the floor before Travis stunned him with a kick before suplexing him, grabbing him by the shoulders before slamming into the floor head first. The two tried pelting him with shots and swings as he tried to recover, but he unleashed his other attack with his health half gone. He began wildly flailing his head sending his neon-colored hair in a circle which cut into Travis and Sylvia.  
As he launched another flurry of slashes with his guitar, now interspersing his strikes with more head-banging, Sylvia’s energy bullets were simply bouncing off his razor-sharp coif until the batteries died forcing her to recharge the guns leaving Travis alone. As he played defense, blocking and rolling away from strikes, Travis only had to wait until he got winded before rushing in with a stream of low attacks straight to the gut. 

With his health almost gone, Hair Metal’s attacks grew swifter and more erratic just as Sylvia finished charging her pistols putting her back in the fight. She continued taking shots at his head before coming in close with her own stun attack by pistol whipping him in the stomach. Once dazed, Travis proceeded to swing at him like mad while Sylvia punched him the stomach before shooting him straight between the eyes ending the battle.

His health fully drained and completely exhausted, Hair Metal did not waver as he swung his chainsaw-guitar once more only for Sylvia to shoot a bullet straight through his arms causing him to drop his prized weapon as blood spurted from the wounds. Travis soon followed up by cutting off his right arm with a clean swing causing more blood to eject from his socket.

“Well damn. You really do deserve that title” said an awestruck Hair Metal as the hemoglobin streamed out of him

“Your uncle was a great fighter. I’ll always remember him as an honorable warrior” said Travis somberly

“Much obliged. And your girlfriend is something else with those firearms of hers. Make sure to keep an eye on her.”

“If any man tries to toy with me, he’s getting a shot straight to the ball sack. Don’t worry your scruffy head over that” said Sylvia as she walked over to observe his last moments

“Go ahead and take them all down. You have quite a journey ahead of you. It’s a long wall to climb but your skills will carry you to the top. Never forget that.” Those were his last words before the AAU agents finished him off. Travis stuck his katana into his forehead while Sylvia fired an array of shots causing his head to explode in a wave of blood of gore.

“One down. Only nineteen more to go” spoke Travis

“I never realized he had a family. It never crossed my mind” whispered Sylvia

“We were different people back then. We can’t change that.”

“You’re right. We can only make it so this carnage finally ends. Let’s head back.”

As they exited the room, some of Carson’s associates were waiting by the door as they reported that “Rank 20” had been axed and proceeded to dispose of his body. The two only walked forward out of the factory with a bitter taste in their mouths as the past thrill of the kill seemed to elude them.


	4. Rank 19 - Vesper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to complete this! Enjoy!

Not even close to satisfied yet, are you? Do not fret my now eager beaver for we still almost two dozen chapters of carnage to get through! Last time we found a conveniently-placed relative of a past boss, but now it’s time for someone with a little more original and a lot more pizzazz.

After Travis and Sylvia returned to the motel-base in one piece, the others were shocked at how displeased they seemed with their work. The training continued and Carson tried to assure them they had accomplished a great deed, even paying the two a compliment.

“Do not be so dejected. Your mission went off flawlessly and this means less lives are endangered thanks to your efforts” said Carson as the five gathered assassins returned to their rooms

“I guess we didn’t realize just what we were doing before. Now it seems so inhuman” admitted Travis who was the last to leave the command center

“Sounds like you at least grasp the consequences of your actions. This means that you will not revert to your old… occupational choices.”

“Whatever pleats your tie, you uppity prick.”

Another few days went by and only some side jobs that were made to rebuild Santa Destroy were around: painting buildings, cleaning sidewalks, exterminating bugs, collecting fruit and though they tried to make a spectacle out of it (along with being pixelated for some odd reason), they longed for the next real mission. About a week after Hair Metal’s defeat, Carson summoned them one evening for their next assignment.

“Got another mission for us, chief?” asked Henry

“Indeed Mister Cooldown. Your next target is beneath the freeway leading out of the city. You’ll be heading for the round top building there for the nineteenth-ranked assassin.”

“’Round top? We’re heading to a circus tent?” wondered Shinobu

“Correct, Miss Shinobu. In fact you and Mister Touchdown have been selected for this battle. We’ll need his tenacity and your more agile fighting style to confront this assailant.”

“Well, this could be somewhat fun” said Travis

“Nervous Mast… uh, Travis?” asked Shinobu

“Nah. Just hoping this one isn’t such a downer.”

With his usual sarcastic edge gone, he and Shinobu headed outside while the rest were given a side job to work at the local nightclub due to the town’s piss-poor employment levels. 

Once again with Travis at the wheel, the city of Santa Destroy passed in a blur until they came across the big top, the red and black tent screaming out from the gray asphalt and metal beneath the freeway. As they stepped out and readied for another battle, Shinobu stopped him to check on him.

“Is everything alright? You seem different then you were before, Mas…” she asked

“I’m a different person. Killing isn’t as gratifying as before. What I want to know is why you keep stopping yourself mid-sentence like that. That’s bugging me more than any of this slitting throats business.”

“I remembered you didn’t like me calling you Master so I’m trying to kick the habit of calling you that. Besides, you have a girlfriend now.”

“Wow. Thanks” he said as his yellow sunglasses hid is eyes widening

“For what?”

“For growing up. The old you would have already been begging me to knock you up at this point.”

“Please don’t remind me of that. Assassination is filthy enough without your language staining it.”

“Too late for that, bitch. I’ve been sullying the English language since 2007 for fuck’s sake!”

After sharing a brief laugh over his silver tongue, the two walked into the open tent before them with weapons at the ready only to find the place dark as can be. As they made their way towards the center of the room, trying to observe the pitch-black battlefield, spotlights of every color blazed to life and began darting around the field in a poly-chromatic frenzy. Without warning, the two found themselves sitting in the stands set up along the outside wall before a voice rang from above.

“Good evening, fine spectators! Please bide your tongue for a few moments longer as the show is about to begin!” said the jolly announcer

As they sat in the stands in total confusion, the lights suddenly focused on the high wire several stories above the ground where their next opponent stood: a nimble young man in his late teens wearing an outrageous getup of a ruffled white shirt under a glittery red vest, a pair of white spandex tights, a face covered in black-and-white makeup to give the impression of a gothic clown made even more unsettling by the gleam of madness dancing in his sharp blue eyes. On his head was a fiery orange and red cap with two long tails ending just behind his head. 

The attention was soon drawn away from his outfit, however, as he jumped straight off the wire without a care in the world until he twirled in midair, throwing a cable onto the wire still above him and suddenly looped himself back to the top without a scratch. Travis and Shinobu had to applaud his complete lack of fear. The lights soon went off as their performer climbed down the beams holding the wire in place to greet his audience.

“Some trick you got there. How’d you know you wouldn’t fall?” asked Shinobu

“Well, my fair Shinobu, I simply rehearsed for days on end just as you practice your sword strikes daily.”

“The better question is how would you know her name and her weapon? Are a psychic too or just a joker?” bit Travis

“No need to get snippy with me, Touchdown. I was of course informed of your arrival by my event planner. I donned my full costume for you and everything!”

“Well that means we can cut the shit and get straight to the fight.”

“Oh, is that so? I thought you’d at least like to know your opponent’s name before you draw your barbaric weapon.”

“He’s got a point” admitted Shinobu

“Fine. Your name then?” shrugged Travis

“You may call me Vesper, tightrope extraordinaire and gymnastics prodigy. Care to know where I acquired that title?”

“If it’ll make you feel better, circus freak.”

“Because I always bring a twofold promise for anyone who witnesses my show. Like the setting sun, first I dazzle with my stunning vibrancy and boldness, then I whisk away all light as night approaches. Only in your case, that night is permanent” he almost snarled as he brought out his cable once more

“How touching. Did you spend a whole day thinking of that?” bantered Travis

“Now we can properly organize your funeral. Let’s get to the real show!” yelled Shinobu as she drew her sword while Travis activated Blood Berry. All at once the lights turned glaringly bright as Vesper snapped his cable towards their heads like a whip to a lion. 

The stage was finally set and now the battle could begin. With barely a second thought, the pair of sword-wielding assassins charged straight at the festive Vesper only for him to backflip away from every strike before countering with a strike from his cable which they quickly discovered was razor-sharp. The lights followed their every movement making a stealthy approach impossible until Shinobu had an idea.

As Travis continued chasing Vesper around, managing to land the occasional hit whenever the jester dropped his guard, Shinobu climbed the beams to reach the lighting at the top and take out all of his gaffers who were armed with wrenches and sledgehammers. In only seconds they were nothing more than bloody piles phasing to Hell as she turned on the main power causing the light show to stop and a regular blanket of light to fall over the circus floor along with the occasional drop of blood or echoing scream.

With this taken care of, Travis was now on equal footing with his opponent who only grew more hyperactive in his movements as he began using every gymnastics maneuver possible to attack him from front flips, cartwheels and many more that this author needs to research if only he would get off his lazy rump and pay attentions to athletics! (Yeah, I’m sure a professional writing team could kick my ass in this department, but you get the idea…) 

With each attack, his wire flew towards Travis who was starting to memorize his attack pattern, rolling out of the way, striking wherever open and even landing a few death blows leaving Vesper with barely any health left. As the two started charging towards one another for a final clash, Shinobu launched a surprise attack as she walked onto the highwire, sliced it down the middle and rode it down like a vine Tarzan-style to deliver the final blow.

With one massive kick to the chest, Vesper was out of health allowing Shinobu to scalp him with her katana leaving him in gruesome pain but still standing as streams of blood trailed down his face and squirted out the top of his skull and mangled remains of his cap.

“You savage brutes! You’ve dismembered my extravaganza! I was going to bring joy to this entire listless world, but now you’ve ruined it with your graceless, primitive swordplay!” shouted Vesper as his life slowly slipped away

“Sorry, we just couldn’t stand the thought of a murder-crazy clown running rampant around the U.S. There’s enough of those already” said Travis

“Any dramatic parting words before we finish the job?” asked Shinobu

“I hope you and your uncouth brethren are prepared for this is only the beginning…” he began before Shinobu’s sword pierced his throat

“That was sarcasm, dumbass!” 

“Haven’t you ever heard of less is more?” asked Travis as his beam katana drilled through his heart. Without even looking at each other, Travis swung his sword down through Vesper’s organs with Shinobu guided hers upward through his breached skull leaving the maniacal performer split in two. Resisting the urge to give the imaginary audience a final bow, the two calmly walked out of the big top with the AAU coming to collect “Rank 19” as they rode off into the night to maybe catch a drink where their cohorts were still working.


	5. Rank 18 - Lord Gygax

It was bound to happen eventually, an enthusiast of all things geek turned to bloodshed in order to defend his beliefs. Look on the bright side, he isn’t fighting for a cause he knows nothing about! But you’re not here for my sarcasm and witty repartee, are you now? You’re here to listen to how some fucker was killed in a spectacularly gruesome fashion so let’s cut the instruction manual and get straight to the game time!

The AAU was cracking down on the dozen-and-a-half killers left in Santa Destroy and even the town had started to turn around. Mugging was down considerably and some brave souls were willing to walk outside alone in broad daylight. The five prime agents were even getting to spend a few minutes in free time where they had started to get to know one another. The only two that seemed on edge were Henry and Sylvia which could easily be chalked up to their divorce. Even Travis never dared to ask his girlfriend why she split up with his twin brother or even why they got married in the first place. He couldn’t shake the feeling she could end his life faster than any assassin be it with her new guns or the old-fashioned kicking him out of bed for an entire week.

A day after besting Vesper, the five were all enjoying lunch together outside the former motel splitting some pizzas from the recently reopened Pizza Suplex when Carson rolled his way outside.

“I hate to interrupt your lunch meeting, but we have the next assassin located. Be inside in ten minutes for your next briefing.”

“Come on, Van. Pull up, grab a slice and loosen that pole up your ass for a minute, would you? Why do have to be so cutthroat?” asked Travis with a half-eaten slice still in his hand

“Call it a part of my job description, Mister Touchdown. You can continue your aimless distractions once your mission is complete.” As he rolled away, the five simply finished their lunch in silence and followed him inside.

“Alright, chief. Who’s up for this match?” asked Henry

“I appreciate your forwardness, Mister Cooldown. Your next opponent is currently waiting at Body Slam Beach towards the south end of the coast. Travis and Kimmy have been selected for this assignment.”

“About time. I can only study my architecture textbooks for so long before my eyes glaze over. Let’s get going, Travis!” said Kimmy excitedly as she ran out to grab her beam staff.

“Any particular reason you picked Kimmy for this?” Travis asked while calmly walking out the door

“We’ve concluded that your fighting styles will be best suited for this specific assassin. Need I say more?” smirked Carson

“Please. You just wanted her out of your slimy hair, didn’t you?” asked Sylvia “I’ve pulled the same move on Travis multiple times.”

“Wait, so that’s why you keep asking me to get you some random bottle of perfume or overpriced shoes from some Italian fucker I’ve never heard of?”

“Exactly. Travis, you are darling but sometimes living with you is a real bitch. I need an hour or four of me time without your porn or anime obsessions.”

“Well fuck. I’ll have to use that sometime” he leered as he headed out the door to find Kimmy already set to go, her “clarinet” in tow and ready to face the danger ahead with her inspiration at her side.

It was another short, silent ride through the city as they headed towards the ocean past the point where Travis used to perform motorcycle jumps for money back during his first run. As they came to a stop in front of the steps leading down to the beach, they noticed there were no guards, no thugs, not even a trace of their gathering coconuts. Remaining ever vigilant, the pair of assassins headed onward looking for any traps or hirelings waiting behind the rocks. The white sands were undisturbed, the waters were calm and there was a cool breeze calming their nerves until they got to the rocky far wall of the coast.

The craggy rock wall split open revealing the next assassin; a figure dressed in electric blue knight’s armor with a massive purple and black lance in hand. He was riding a handsome black stallion that seemed completely at odds with his rider yet didn’t dare try to buck him off.

“Nice costume” said Travis breaking the silence “I don’t suppose there’s a convention in town?” 

A rich laugh broke the helmet on the rider’s head. “That is correct, you plebeian. Is that how you plan to enter combat? Like some untrained noob?”

“Why don’t you show your face instead of making small talk? We’re supposed to ax you off so come off your high horse so I can cut your head off and be done with it!” yelled Kimmy as she activated her staff

“Well, you are a feisty young wench. It is a shame such a fair noble such as you must stay with this boorish ruffian” prattled the knight as he dismounted his horse still holding his now-downward pointing lance “Alas, fate has determined that we must duel on these sands. What a shame. I would rather defeat you in a more cerebral contest such as chess, but once you and your association are eliminated, all will be well again in this kingdom” he said as he lifted his helmet exposing the face of a nerd. From the thick glasses, the disheveled hair, the coat of acne, he was lifted straight out of a typical Dungeons and Dragons table and put in this garish armor. The only clashing aspect to him was his voice which was shockingly deep and confident and his eyes, while covered by bifocals, still glared without any humanity.

“Not a bad speech, poindexter. You deserve a prize… like a sword down your throat?” said Travis as he turned on Blood Berry. As he ran in for a strike, the knight lifted his lance with barely any effort and fired a bullet out the end straight towards Travis’s chest. Even with his past training, he only barely blocked it before nearly being run over by the armored nerd’s horse which he somehow mounted in only seconds.

“Watch your mouth, you cocky squire, you or you shall feel the sting of Lord Gygax’s lance firsthand. Now, where is your steed so we can begin our fight?”

“Steed? No one said anything about a horse, you arse! Come down here and fight like a man!” shouted a now infuriated Kimmy “If your such a big-shot, fight us on even footing or go back to your RPGs and chat rooms.”

“My, my, you are in a terrible mood. You see, I was told beforehand that my adversaries would be arriving with a mount so we could properly duel. Thankfully I have something to compensate for that” said Lord Dexter

“Something else, you mean” whispered Travis as two more horses emerged from the opposing assassin’s cave with the same stark black coat and rebellious gazes. The two mounted quickly while Dexter donned his helmet once more, readied his lance and prepared to charge as the duel finally began.

The horses began dashing towards each other as the sand flew beneath the three charging stallions with Travis and Kimmy charging straight at Lord Gygax only to hear a familiar whizzing go past their heads forcing them to circle around the knight.

“Of course he has bullets, why the fuck not?” groaned Travis who was already struggling to keep one hand on the reins and the other gripping his sword

“Well then, you’re going to have to improvise” said Kimmy as she led another charge twirling her staff like a baton to block all the bullets flying out of Gygax’s lance. The knight soon took off in the other direction leading the assassins further down the coast until he turned sharply and leveled his spear at Travis’s chest. The otaku didn’t even flinch but proceeded to swing just at the knight landing a harsh blow on his shoulder. Kimmy then followed suit with her staff as the geeky assassin tried to retreat.

For hours the pair of AAU assassins continued this mad dance, slashing and circling along the sand while Gygax began firing more and more until a stream of bullets began pushing the two back. As night fell on the beach, the fight raged on with the knight’s once gleaming armor barely holding together. Travis and Kimmy were also tattered and exhausted yet somehow the horses kept running at top speed.

With the moon beginning to climb over the horizon, the three silently agreed to end the match with one final joust. The three horses rose and neighed in unison and, as if mentally relaying their riders’ intentions, charged at once two-versus-one. With a mighty clang, Gygax’s lance managed to stop both the katana and staff with one move. 

Sensing a draw, the assassins decided to abandon the dork’s method of fighting and surprise him with a bit of stalling.

“Not bad, kid. Where’d you get all these fancy toys?” asked Kimmy as the weapon clash broke up.

“It’s been a lifelong hobby of mine, fair maiden. All my life, I was harassed but now I have the capability to end their taunting once and for all. Once you and your organization are out of the way, I and the other scorned ones will be free to do as we please!” said Lord Gygax with a pinch of madness in his voice

“Should have figured there would be a sob story involved. Well, I hate to disappoint you, kid, but you’re not going to get that chance” she said while dismounting her horse

“And why is that?” he mused before he felt a sharp pain as Travis, who had dismounted and snuck behind him, sliced his leg clean off

“Because you forgot this isn’t a game. I don’t play by your rules, bastard!” 

As Lord Gygax fell off his mount, Kimmy readied her staff and drove it clean through his chest with one fell swoop. As blood began rushing out of his dismembered leg and gaping wound after Kimmy removed her weapon, the horses suddenly went berserk and ran wild until they collided in a three-bronco pileup before exploding.

“What the fuck?!” said Travis as the AAU grunts moved in to dispatch “Rank 18.” Once the chaos cleared up, the two rode back to the motel where Kimmy informed him that his horses were all robots peaking Travis’s curiosity as to where all these assassins were coming from.


	6. Rank 17 - Hyper Mimmy

Coming up with twenty original boss ideas is not easy especially by this series’ standards. From somber veterans using foxholes and grenades to murderous football players along with an army of bloodthirsty cheerleaders, the bar was high for this amateur hack ‘n’ slash player to create a line of assassins bigger and grander than the two before, but that’s why the second game reused certain bosses and elevated them. It seems only fitting to do the same here, no? On a totally unrelated note, does anyone else have a make-your-own manga book?

A few days after Lord Gygax was dead and gone, the AAU seemed to slow down. Carson and his grunts seemed to have a moment to breathe giving the assassins some more free time to get reacquainted with each other or resume their leisure activities. Sylvia took to the Internet to scope out some new accessories for her wardrobe, Travis was scouting around the video stores for potential additions to his porn site, Henry was honing his skills with his katana and Shinobu and Kimmy were taking the opportunity to bond. They hardly had a chance to get to know each other before being thrown into this mess and start cutting heads so the two were in Kimmy’s room comparing fighting styles and making fun of Travis and how either one of them had even fallen for him literally or figuratively.

Their fun time was brought to a halt when some unnamed goon asked to see them all downstairs. It was the magical time once again. At least this guy didn’t act as though he were on a high horse, or wheelchair for that matter.

Once assembled, Carson was unusually brief with his conference simply stating that the seventeenth-ranked assassin was at a park about forty miles out of town and brothers Travis and Henry were the ideal match for this new assailant. Without making a single cynical remark the whole time, the five were dismissed. The two got straight to work driving to their destination. Once they were on the highway, Travis at the wheel like always, Henry tried to make conversation to pass the time.

“Not a bad ride, little brother. How’d you afford it?” he asked 

“I just had it customized from my old bike the Schpeltiger. Sylvia thought a motorcycle wouldn’t be the best for when we go out on scouting trips for my website.”

“Really? She hasn’t drained your pockets yet?”

“Nope. Once in a while she’ll blow a couple hundred bucks on some bag or shoes but it’s usually her money. Surprised that I’m a legitimate businessman, Henry?”

“Actually, yes I am. And frankly I’m a touch jealous of ya.”

“About what, my job?”

“Stop the car, Travis.”

“Don’t try to dodge the question you bastard, what are you jealous about?!”

“I’m not dodging the question! You just passed where out fight was, you hardheaded shit!”

As Travis made an illegal U-turn to reach his destination, he swore he would finally get some straight answers out of his brother as soon as the next assassin was mincemeat.

Most wouldn’t have guessed such a pristine park would be so close to the public squalor of Santa Destroy, but then again most wouldn’t guess that the two brothers taking a stroll through the park were looking for their next hit. Their element of stealth was pretty much gone out here with the coat of leaves and loose twigs on the ground making their presence known to anyone nearby. The sun was still high in the afternoon sky, but the dense canopy of green leaves blanketed the area in shadow. With only the map and compass Carson gave them, the two made their way to an abandoned visitor center deep within the park. The once cozy brick building was now overgrown with flora, the windows shattered and hadn’t been touched by man for years. 

It was the perfect place for assassins to duel in such a place without interruption.

The assassin brothers were itching for a fight, predicting some sort of guerrilla tactics or stealthy opponent until a cheery voice called out to them as they headed towards the decrepit building.

“Henry! You made it to our play date! And you brought a friend! How delightful” said an animated voice of what sounded like a young girl from within the center’s walls, her voice tinged with an accent identical to Henry’s.

“We’re not here to play. Come out so we can get this travesty over with” replied the weary Irish swordsman who was eager to return to his quarters.

“Oh, Henry… You’ve become such a grump…” the voice trailed off as she emerged from the building revealing a familiar face: a pair of obscenely large blue eyes beneath a head of green hair with bangs that stood in an impossible V-shape that defied gravity. 

It was Mimmy, the bizarre anime-girl Henry had vanquished in a coma years ago during his brother’s second ascent. Her face seemed untouched, but her body was radically different. Instead of a young frame, her figure was that of a young adult with wider hips, but a rather small bust. Her enormous, bulky gauntlets had also gotten an upgrade as they seemed to merge with her arms entirely, now looking sleek and naturally part of her. Both her arms were bright red with tubes of fluid that resembled veins leading to her sky-blue fingers. On top of that, her legs got the same treatments with scarlet metal coating both ligaments that gave the impression she was more of a cyborg rather than a Mecha.

Naturally, Henry was a tad surprised by this “You… again?! How in blazes are you even here? You’re not even real!” he shouted as he drew his Cross-Sword

“Uh, Henry shouldn’t I be the one dreaming up badass anime Mecha-girls?” inquired Travis

“So you’re Travis? Well, I suppose I owe ya both thanks for me being here. Henry let me escape into this world and Travis acted as my muse. Now we can finally play all the time, right Henry?” said Mimmy cheerfully

“I don’t know what game you think you’re playing, but it all ends the same. I beat ya once, I can do it again. Plus now I’ve got backup” admitted Henry while Travis gave a solid nod as he drew Blood Berry. The brothers charged in to leave the first hit, but Mimmy leaped several stories in the air. With only one jump she leaped over twenty feet above the brothers’ heads and landed yards away.   
“You may have your brother, but now I’ve got some new skills” she said in a more ominous tone, her face hidden beneath her neon-colored hair. Without looking up, she charged forward faster than the two assassins could react and landed a sucker punch straight to their stomachs. 

“GAH! What in blazes was that?” asked Henry as his stomach felt crammed next to his spine

“With these cybernetic enhancements, I can move faster than your eyes can register. You tricked me once Henry. If you really want to side with your brother instead of me, I’ve got no choice but to kill you both.”

“We’ll see about that. Better freaks than you have tried. You may be a badass, but you’re still getting a sword to the head” boasted Travis.

Mimmy took off once again, literally running circles around them to disorient the pair. As a cloud of dust surrounded the two, Henry was desperately dodging any of the blows he could see coming. It was clear she had a vendetta against him and Travis was the second banana. Naturally, the latter didn’t take this very well. With the best battle cry he could muster, he thrusted Beam Berry right as Mimmy leaned in for another strike. The sword hit her dead between the eyes finally giving Henry a chance to get in close and launch a combo of strikes at the tsundere.

With her health dropping, Mimmy soon changed tactics and began dashing all around the clearing. She even weaved in and out of the trees to lose the brothers’ watch. Henry countered by launching energy spheres from his katana into the woods, landing more hits while Travis managed to land blow after blow every time she came out of the forest to attack.

“How can this be?” Mimmy wondered aloud “I’m moving faster than your eyes can register!” She was now down to half her health and could feel exhaustion setting in already.

“Please, you think the programmers would make a fight that unfair?” smirked Travis “You’re definitely fast, but not invisible to the naked eye.”

“It’s over, lass. You can either stop this nonsense now or we’ll be forced to finish the job. And this time, there’s nowhere to go but Hell.”

“Really? Well, let’s see if THIS will put you naughty boys down…” Suddenly Mimmy lowered her stance and began a form of metamorphosis. Being the anime fanatic, Travis instantly recognizes what’s she’s doing, readies his sword for attack and charges.

“Henry, go at her with everything you’ve got” he said with actual fear in his voice for a change

“Travis, you sound kinda shaken up…” said Henry with amusement at seeing his younger brother’s bravado leave him for a change

“Trust me, I’ve seen enough magical girls to know that she’s transforming and that always means someone is about to get their ass kicked!” With that warning, Henry dashed with Cross-Sword in hand, Travis not far behind but it was too late as Mimmy’s last-ditch transformation took hold. 

The robotic armor around her arms and legs stared to levitate and reassemble into double-helix shapes with her actual limbs in the center. Said limbs were also growing much more muscular turning the loli girl into an Amazon complete with an extra foot in height, a six-pack of abs, and a more pronounced chest. The only change that resembled her anime attributes was her hair which now fanned out in an implausible crown framing her fierce face with blonde streaks mixing with the sharp green.

“You boys like it?” asked Mimmy with the same high-pitched voice “A generous soul made this in case I ever ran into you again…”

“How touching. What’s next, dinner and a show?” smirked Travis who was arduously avoiding staring at her enlarged mammary glands. 

“Well, if you count ripping you two to pieces, then yes! Get ready to die, Henry!” she squealed as the armor now surrounding her arms began breaking into pieces and flying towards the brothers. Travis dodged to the side while Henry blocked every piece of blood red shrapnel with his sword.

It was time for the second phase, and the assassins quickly began contemplating a new strategy as this new Hyper Mimmy charged around the expanse firing more makeshift bullets, launching rapid-fire kicks and punches and occasionally jumping straight into the air and catapulting herself down creating stunning shock-waves. 

Travis got up close but couldn’t break her guard. Every attempt to suplex her resulted in him getting countered and thrown like a rag doll. With his guard down, Hyper Mimmy rocketed straight towards him only for Henry to fire energy spheres to distract her. As she tried firing at the Irish assailant and keeping her momentum, she didn’t notice Travis move around her and dodge. The otaku then followed up the assault with a kick to stun her allowing the two to strike her health straight to zero. 

With her life drained, her cybernetics ceased working and fell into piles of polychromatic metal. Now enraged, Mimmy backhanded Henry clear across the field, him slamming into a tree with concussive force leaving Travis in shock. She grabs the younger assassin with her two sinewy arms to choke him.

“You horrid little troll! You ruined everything! What do you have to say for yourself?!” she screamed at the suffocating killer

With the last of his consciousness, Travis landed one fatal swing straight down her chest leaving a massive gash streaming blood from the top of her rib cage to her waist.

“Nice… rack…” was all he could utter before his brain shut off from the lack of oxygen. Mimmy was forced to drop him as she bled and stewed in agony. As Henry got up from his blow, he noticed the red river bursting from the crazed girl’s abdomen and Travis out cold at her feet. With his sword still in hand, he stumbled over with the intent to end this.

“Mimmy, what did you do to my brother?” he asked with a deadly calm

“Nothing yet!” She attempted to giggle, but only agitated the wound “Once he’s dead we can play together forever! We can have fun all over the place, she said so!”

“Who? The one responsible for your upgrades?”

“That’s right. I’m sorry to rough you up, but I didn’t want to lose you again. What do you say?” she gave him the best pleading look she could muster with hemoglobin still gushing out of her.

“I say fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Mess with my brother and your ass is grass.” With blinding swiftness he slashed her head clean off her body which crumbled into the remains of her Mecha arms as blood now spilled from her neck. The head was launched several feet away and landed with a resounding splat which seemed to awaken Travis.

“Well done. Didn’t think you’d go straight for decapitating her” the staggering assassin said as he got up, dusting off his jacket and readjusting his yellow shades.

“Well, someone’s got to save your behind. Otherwise Sylvia will load mine with bullets.”

“True. She’d also steal all your money for a vacation to Milan to help her grieve.” The two shared a small laugh over this before the AAU’s smaller soldiers filed in to discard the remains of “Rank 17.”

“Travis, I’m sorry” muttered Henry as they traipsed back down the hill to the Schpeltiger. 

“About what? Letting my head get squeezed? Its fine, man. Someday I guarantee I’ll save your ass from a murderous bitch and we’ll be even.”

“Not about that. Once we get back, I want to have a chat. If we’re going to be brothers and not just maiming one another, it’s about time I be honest with ya…”


	7. Chapter 7: Rank 16 - The Walsh Circuit Demoness

So now we’ve got all the basics covered. Decapitation, stabbing, maiming, so what’s left? Well, my fellow lovers of animated havoc, it’s time we put the spotlight on someone else besides Travis. Another callback is due and this one has had a bit more… radical of a change since the last game. Curious?

It was a quiet ride back to the motel as the assassin brothers both recovered from their injuries. As they watched the grunts of the AAU head back behind them, they were sure to have an interesting conversation. As the sun began to dip over Santa Destroy, they arrived back at the base and noticed all the girls were off on side jobs. The two headed upstairs to Travis’s room where they agreed to have an important chat.

“So, Mr. Sir Henry Motherfucker is finally gonna talk straight. Well, let’s hear it. Can’t keep the audience waiting.” Travis smirked as he sat in his favorite recliner while his dapper older brother stood in front of the television.

“Frankly, I’m jealous of you and Sylvia.” He plainly admitted. “Seeing you two actually have a functioning relationship made me realize it’s the one thing I failed at. I was the best assassin around, so good she couldn’t put me in her scam or else all the rubes would be dead. Afterwards, I made a successful bar from practically nothing after we were divorced. For over a decade I was married to her but I never felt close to her. Maybe because she was so consumed by her operations but nonetheless we came to the conclusion we barely cared for one another. Seeing you, Mr. Go-Nowhere Otaku, succeed where I floundered didn’t sit well with me.”

“Damn,” Travis stuttered. “So you’re basically upset I’m dating your ex?”

“Pretty much. But when I saw you getting strangled by that freak show, I caught on that it won’t solve anything. Considering you’ve had a far harsher life than I, it seems fitting you find some happiness that isn’t on a video tape.” 

Before Travis could respond, Shinobu walked in with an announcement from Carson calling for another meeting. As he walked out the door Henry could have sworn he heard Travis mutter “Thanks, bro” before descending the stairs. He allowed a quick smile before he followed behind his twin, now ready for business.

The AAU was bustling downstairs with bizarre reports coming from their next target. As the brothers joined the ladies, Carson was being rolled in from a meeting in a separate room.

“Good evening, everyone. Sorry to interrupt your heart-to-heart Mr. Touchdown but we have just spotted the sixteenth-ranked assassin.”

“You saw it all, huh?” asked Travis, much to the confusion of the ladies “Get all emotional? Need a tissue?” he quipped.

“Not quite. As surprising as it is to see you so vulnerable, it seemed likely that you two would be forced to come clean about your repressed emotions towards one another. Particularly since Ms. Christel was involved.”

“Excuse me? You two were talking about me?” asked Sylvia, crossing her arms and her fingers itching to pull out one of her guns.

“Your soap-opera nonsense can wait.” Carson interrupted “We have more pertinent issues to attend to. It appears another of those supernatural gateways has opened in the city.”

“An Akashic point?” asked Sylvia “How can you possibly tell?”

“The same way you kept track of them for Travis’ matches all those years ago. The government is well aware of the paranormal occurrences of Santa Destroy and we have hired professionals to alert us to their presence, but that’s beside the point. The real matter is that two of you need to enter this anomaly to defeat the next rogue assassin.”

“Paranormal occurrence? As in a ghost, or a monster?” asked Kimmy “That all sounds like nonsense to me. What could some spiritual nonsense pose a threat to the country?”

“Trust me, their real and they are screwed up. I almost lost my life twice thanks to those Akashit points” snarled Travis “And as for the third one? Don’t even ask.” His voice was filled with pain, left by a certain ascetic. Sylvia gripped his hand in a rare public display of affection.

“Right….” continued Carson “For your information, Miss Howell, an Akashic point is a rift that can lead to another location or even time period. This one happens to lead, as far as our experts can tell, to a suburb in Santa Destroy that is currently under development but in this rift is fully complete. It is also the site of several murders.”

“So that’s what tipped you off.” commented Shinobu.

“That and the bizarre pattern between these murders.”

“That being what, sir?” asked Henry

“All of the victims have been male. With that information, we plan on sending Miss Shinobu and Miss Christel-“

Sylvia cut him short. “Oh no, no, no, no! Hold it right there, Mr. Eavesdropper! I have bigger fish to fry than some misandrist bitch killing people who may or may not exist yet. I must have a chat with these two,” she said pointing to Travis and Henry “about their little conversation. If you must send two women, send Shinobu and Kimmy. They have been itching for something to do that doesn’t involve flipping burgers or mugging muggers.”

“Miss Christel, this is non-negotiable-“

“Save your breath. What are you going to do, fire me? You dragged me here so I should get some liberty to make my own decisions. Now, unless you plan to stop me by rolling over my foot, I’ll be heading upstairs for a meeting. Ta-ta, Carson!” With that she merrily walked out of the as if she just had the score of the century. “Oh, and send some hor’s doevres for us in a bit. It could be a long talk.” Travis and Henry followed her out without a word. 

After several minutes of stunned silence, he simply motioned for Shinobu and Kimmy to leave on their assignment. The two swords-women managed to make it outside before bursting into hysterics while Sylvia began drilling the men for information.

Travis had been encouraged (read: forced) to give all of the other assassins a lesson in how to drive the converted Schpeltiger in case he was not available for a mission. For whatever reason, Carson would not even consider giving them a ride despite the abundance of vehicles he had at his disposal. 

Shinobu took the wheel and the literal lady killers drove off into the night where the Akashic point was said to be. Along the way they mostly strategized and wondered what kind of threat could be waiting in this rift. Ever since the two happened to run into each other upon returning to Santa Destroy, they struck a mutual respect for one another and a shared sense of embarrassment over falling so hard for Travis. As they laughed over how ridiculous about their past advances were, the two became fast friends as they trained together. As they made their way down the interstate one would guess they were just two girls going for a night on the town instead of trained assassins out to eliminate some supernatural phenomena.

The rift may have been invisible to the naked eye, but its effects on the environment were apparent. The luminous moon that once shone in the sky was blocked out by ominous clouds. What should have been a cheery suburban neighborhood was an ominous line of houses hidden in gloom without a single sign of anyone living in any of the hundreds of homes. The occasional chalk markings and blood stains did nothing to lighten the mod. At last the two parked in a cul-de-sac named Marsh Circuit. Despite being the only lit area in the entire neighborhood, the light did nothing to relieve isolation this place was undergoing thanks to the distortion of time and space. 

“You didn’t happen to take occult studies, did you?” asked Shinobu

“Nope. Meet any sages or spirits on your travels?” countered Kimmy

“What do you think this is, an anime?”

“Well considering I’m in a school uniform and your whole moe get-up…” Kimmy chided

“Very funny. Don’t mention that word around me again unless YOU want to taste my katana.” Needless to say, Shinobu was not fond with most of her past self except for the all black wardrobe which she still gladly wears. Have to keep the whole ninja spirit intact somehow, right?

Banter aside, the two were on their guard as the ghost neighborhood around them remained frozen in time save for the lazily drifting clouds above and the harsh streetlamps flickering. What should have been a cheery cul-de-sac with activity buzzing and some ambient noise was a void with no sign of activity, darkness in every window, even the typical suburban wildlife of crickets and pigeons avoided Marsh Circuit like the plague. They tried to find something, anything, to tip off the location of their target but nothing came until Shinobu walked up to the street sign by the sidewalk. As she stared at the name, the letters seemed to shift until they spelled “Walsh” instead of “Marsh.” Even considering her line of work and profession, this struck the wrong chord with her.

“Kimmy, I think this assassin is close by…” was all she could utter before all the lights went out, leaving them in total darkness. Kimmy activated her beam staff to give some reprieve and Shinobu drew her blade, both intently listening for any sign of attack. In the green glow of Kimmy’s weapon they felt truly cut off from the world, the reality of this pocket anomaly was setting in. Something or someone had cornered them and was most likely just amusing itself at this point.

Their unease only grew when they heard a deafening thud from atop one of the streetlamps. Before either one could catch sight of the sound’s source, it took off and flew around them. Shinobu tried to slice it out of the air with a sonic sword but it only hit empty air. Whatever it was could fly and could most likely see in the dark. Suddenly the lights came on as their opponent landed in the court’s center, deciding her prey was sufficiently terrified. 

Her body was humanoid in physique but her features were of something from another realm. Her skin was an icy blue with bizarre black markings dancing across her skin, all of which was exposed to the elements. Her hair seemed to be made a purple flames and two twisted horns sprouted from her forehead. A pair of ginormous bat wings some five feet wide were still spread behind her. Shinobu and Kimmy stood in awe at the inhuman being before them and realized why this neighborhood was abandoned. Their dread was only made worse when the creature spoke.

“That smell…” she growled “I know it…” Her eyes opened, glaring at them with irises the color of freshly-drawn blood. They beamed straight through the pair with hunger and hatred. 

Kimmy was the first to get her nerve back. “Sorry, can’t help you with your body issues.” She pointed her beam staff straight at the demon’s heart. “But we can send you right back to where you came from.”

The creature was less than amused. She let out a guttural scream that shook the ground and caused the light posts around them to quiver. It was then that Shinobu, recalling a story Travis told her about his second bout in the ranks, realized what she and Kimmy were up against.

“You’re Cloe Walsh. That freaky demon chick Travis fought years ago.”

Apparently “Cloe” did not like being reminded of her assailant. Her naked breasts suddenly began dripping an odorous green liquid which clung to the air like smog and her fingernails elongated into pure black claws. With a snarl she lunged at Shinobu who quickly blocked with her katana. 

Kimmy rushed in and swiped at the demoness from the back. “Doesn’t matter what you are to me. All I know is the sooner I deal with you, the sooner I get back to class. So would you kindly die now and save us the trouble?” she blustered as their opponent flew away to dodge her strike.

“Traviiiiisss…” she growled “Where is he?! I must show him pain! Must make him suffer!” She roared through the air. Once back on the ground, her breasts began spewing a heinous green gas. The assassins easily dodged the slow-moving cloud, but it somehow followed their every move. 

The demon tried to dive-bomb the scurrying swordswomen but Shinobu reacted with a split-second attack that brought her down to Earth. The two met in a clash of claws on katana leaving Kimmy to deal with the fog. She soon dissipated it by spinning her beam-staff at high speeds and leapt into the fray. From there it was total chaos as the monster once known as Cloe unleashed a frenzy of slashes and screams to break their bodies and shatter their will but the two managed to counter nearly every strike and land several on the now thoroughly incensed horror.

As her health dwindled and Shinobu and Kimmy continued their onslaught, the demon decided to take to the air, raining streams of poisonous liquid from her mammories and making aerial slashes to gain leverage over her ground-bound opponents. The two femme fatales had to devise a new strategy especially as the horrid fumes from her acid rain began to disorient them under the seemingly unending night.

Try as Kimmy might, she could not dispel all of the noxious smog fast enough and she finally fell to the ground trying to desperately regain her breath. Seeing an opportunity, the flying demoness entered a nosedive from several stories in the air, her claws ready to shred the assassin’s entrails. Her prey laid helpless, still trying to fill her starved lungs, and she was only feet away.

A horrid crunch soon filled the air as one of the light posts began to fall, its base cut cleanly in half. Too caught up in her kill to notice, the demoness was knocked out of the air by the toppling light and sent sprawling. Shinobu then stepped and escorted Kimmy away from the lethal gas to recuperate while she cemented the kill. She found the demoness screaming her lungs out, tendrils of black energy curling on the ground to stop anyone from approaching her. With a few well-placed jumps, Shinobu managed to avoid her defenses and approached the helpless monstrosity, her flaming her dulled and her skin seeming paler than before. Just as she raised her blade to end the fight, the creature sprung a surprise attack sending a spray of poison from her right nipple at Shinobu’s legs. It was a clean hit that left the proud assassin on the ground, her lower half in searing pain and the smell of the fumes made her deathly nauseous. 

The creature stood once more, her wings fully spread and the anticipation of the deed exciting her further. If she enjoyed this fight so much, she could only dream of how she would feel against him! Her face was alight in manic glee as she raised her claws for the final blow until something pierced her left wing - a green energy blade!  
The demoness roared in pain as the cut deepened. Kimmy, fortunate her opponent made herself a larger target, strode forward with a look of pure satisfaction. She calmly walked up to the demoness, tugged her staff free and proceeded to add insult to injury by slicing her wings clean off. The creature’s shrieks worsened as black blood spewed from what remained of her glorious ailerons. Kimmy readied her weapon once more.

“What’s wrong, Cloe?” she mused “I thought you liked pain?”

She was met with an inhuman screech as the demoness prepared to strike only to hear something come at her from behind.

“Come on, you hypocrite!” boasted Shinobu as she charged in with her blade held high despite the burns on her legs, “Can’t you take what you dish out! Fucking pathetic!”

She never stood a chance. Already exhausted, crippled and cornered, the former Cloe Walsh felt fear truly grip her for a brief few seconds before the assailants unleashed a barrage of slashes and slices so furious, so swift and so penetrating it was a miracle Kimmy and Shinobu did not turn each other into human sashimi. When the two finally ended their vicious assault, their opponent was reduced to a literal pile of rubbish. Hundreds of pieces of indiscriminate shape and material fell to the ground coated in jet-black blood and reeking of the demon woman’s acid. 

The battle may have been over, but something was still amiss as the tranquil dark sky began to suddenly flicker away. The deserted neighborhood shifted before their eyes returning to a half-finished construction lot filled with construction equipment and piles of raw material.

“What the hell?” gaped Shinobu as she dressed her wound, “Did that freak show cause all that?”

“No, even for something supernatural like that she didn’t seem capable of some grand illusion,” responded Kimmy.

Their silence was cut short when the AAU’s drones filed into the area to collect the already rancid remains of the sixteenth-ranked assassin. All of them seemed as puzzled as the two warriors as they scanned the area for the former anomaly. With Shinobu still injured, she was kindly escorted back to base by the agents while Kimmy hopped on Schpeltiger with plenty of questions on her mind.


End file.
